ACHIEVING EXCELLENCE THROUGH SIKHISM WAY OF LIFE
10. FAIRNESS
This is the TENTH Category.
A working definition of fairness and clear steps to achieve fairness will foster our children’s growth. Fairness does not mean that everybody gets what they want. Rather it means that everybody in the group has an equal opportunity to benefit. “Fair” does not mean “equal,” even though equal opportunity for equal benefit is central to its meaning. A classroom teacher may offer computer time only for students who have completed their work. That’s fair, because everyone has the opportunity to finish their work. It would not be fair if the teacher only offered computer time to right-handed students.
At home, parents can start early on by helping children share toys or computer time, divide snacks, and take turns setting the table. The ultimate goal is for children to successfully resolve conflicts by themselves. There are plenty of strategies that work in a variety of settings if the kids have the tools. Learning how to use strategies in the kitchen, on the playground, and in the classroom turns these conflicts into opportunities for middos (growth in personal character).
Ownership is another important part of fairness. Everybody has the right to their property. It’s important to help our children understand different types of ownership – by individuals, by the family, by the community. A helpful idea is to talk about what toys a child does not want to share before friends come over, or discussing sharing when deciding whether to bring toys to school. Children also need to know that if they lend out all of their pencils, they won’t be able to write.
It’s not fair to our children if they give away all their snacks and end up hungry. If a food-deprived classmate needs an extra snack, we can encourage our child to pack an additional snack (and we can discreetly advise the teacher of the situation). By soliciting children’s opinions and ideas, we help them devise options to solve problems.
It’s a myth that fair and “nice” are interchangeable. Fair does not mean “nice,” and ownership rules always apply. It’s my choice. As children age, they understand that fair comes in many different shades of grey. Children also start to notice nuances and inconsistencies about how decisions get made.
We need to overcome our urge to be cynical or inconsistent, because we are their role models. It’s important that they know that life gives everybody what they need, including the challenges that they’re facing right now.
I sometimes have to remind myself that the only person I’m in charge of is me. To achieve personal responsibility, our children need the gift of empowerment and confidence in their ability to control their own behavior and choices. It is only fair.
